Purity Culture and the Triangle

 Eventually, I'll have a full explanation of the triangle, and why I spent many years incorporating it into my teaching. My first worldview class I ever taught used it; I adapted it, and I found its principles helpful in explaining why we act certain ways. My opening discussions often prompted discussion from young people, introducing ethical decisions and the "why?" behind them.

The basic premise is that everyone has a worldview (and I understand that for some people, that word is a misnomer or triggers some misinformed/well intended teaching from years and years past. I think the danger only comes when we say phrases like "the biblical worldview." I still think everyone has a way of looking at the world around them. And there are huge questions about humanity's make up, our purpose, our goals, God/god, etc., that various foundational ways of thinking answer. For now, I disgress)

The point is that a worldview usually informs where we derive our source(s) of truth. Then our particular set of beliefs that arise from whatever truth we hold produces a value system. Finally, our values eventually leak out into actions/behaviors. So in an ideal philosophical setting, beliefs and worldview inform or even dictate how one behaves. And one someone behaves demonstrates what he/she believes.

Believe me, I know the exceptions to these generalizations. I am, by no means, a philosopher. But I used this as a simple tool to help young people consider their actions in a healthy way and even better inform my teaching. Here's one of my favorite examples.

I created a teaching calendar for all seven years of 6th-12th graders that would move through the youth program. It helped create structure for me, reduce stress on what to teach, and brought balance to my teaching so youth didn't hear the same old stuff week after week. (Eliminated hobby horses, too). By no means, did I stick to the schedule whether for special occasions, or someone requested we study something unique, or I jumped over to a new year for a while, but at least I had some guide.

But every year I at least had some elements of "the talk." And I absolutely hated it. I'm not their parents. I am in no way related to these teenagers, so why am I responsible for informing their minds about sex, purity, girl things/boy things, God's plan, etc. To be fair, I had help from some other couples from the church, so we definitely split up into groups for further discussions. I did not dive into anything I shouldn't have in mixed company. Heck, no.

But my goal was to be intentionally different than the purity talks that we received growing up. You may have heard of Joshua Harris' revoking of his book(s) in somewhat recent years, and the documentary on why is eye-opening. (Yes, I know he is pretty much an atheist now, but that doesn't really affect this discussion). 

I am not going to dive into the finer points of purity culture or "what girls heard" or what percentage of the teaching was good or bad. I think there is always plenty of good intentions when we try to obey Scripture. There's plenty of benefit to teaching others/ discipling younger generations into making wise decisions. But the specific teachings, the legal codes, the assumptions that have been made (at least in my generations) have done some damage. Maybe not in your experience. And honestly, not always in my experience. But if we open our ears to those around us, it's deafening. How can teaching holiness be a bad thing? It can't be, right?

This is where I chose to use the triangle. Again, I concede that I'm using generalizations. But for me, it seems that much of the purity culture longs so badly for young people to make the best decision--i.e., remain pure or wait until marriage to have sex or only have sex with one partner of the opposite gender (once married). The unspoken (or heaven forbid, spoken on many occasions) implication is that if you follow God's rules, and do it as listed above, marriage will be awesome. Life will be a dream. 

But it's a lie. There's zero guarantee of the 3-4 kids, the ideal job (or any job), an affordable house, and in-laws that welcome you as their own. Shoot, you may struggle to even find a mate. Let alone conceive with him/her. The above implications really became prosperity gospel, not financial promises necessarily, but life blessings from God for being obedient. Is God pleased with obedience? Sure. Does it always payoff in a dream life? Look around and decide for yourself.

So my decision was to stop focusing on behavior (i.e., the top of the triangle). That's Pharisaism. Drawing boundaries and rules around rules to protect ourselves from breaking whatever God had commanded. The more we preach the rules, the more people want to get close to them. (Nothing wrong with being a prophet, per se, but that can't be the point of our existence.)

I started at the bottom of the triangle. What's your worldview? What's your belief system? Is there a God? What's His character? I know, it's a weird purity talk. What is the nature of humans and why are we so messed up? Who's messed up?--the girls or the guys--o boy, wrong question.

And how does Jesus fit into your belief system? Didn't He come to restore the world? Is there such a thing as forgiveness or redemption? What does following Him even mean? Now I had been teaching all of this throughout the year, so we had a foundation. This was review. But beliefs inform value systems.

So when we understand the nature of humans, we know that all beings made in God's image deserve respect. And if we are God's temple, the implications of that statement alone are mind boggling. 

And if Jesus came to seek and save the lost, then maybe there's hope for someone like me. If Jesus was tempted just like me, then maybe I'm not alone.

All of this feeds into behavior. So how do I respect members of the opposite gender? How do I honor my own body? How do I obey my parents in light of their demands in this confusing and weird season of life?

See, if we focus on behavior, we may get purity. The really, really good kids may make good decisions. Some may not. Some may rebel completely. But where did Jesus go in the discussion?

If we focus on Jesus and make Him central, then we have discussions of redemption, mercy, your life is not a disgrace, follow Him, pursue Him, and hey---we'll probably still get purity for many kids.

Flip the approach with the triangle. Most of all, keep the discussion going by listening to others and extending grace to those who feel shame and the burden of thinking they've ruined everything. Their story isn't over.